Happiness

After a long 40 minute drive last night in drizzling rain, I arrived to a dark closed door at the Church. A panic attack started- what if I had the day wrong- did we schedule for next week? What if I drove all this way for nothing? I picked up my cell phone and frantically dialed her number. Nothing. Then she came and phew, I was glad. It just goes to show, I am not perfect still and that she isn't either. We talked a lot about the "new, bold Megan". I wrote a letter to the problem Co-Dependency. She was very proud of me and all the work I've done so far. We talked about procrastination and how I procrastinated writing the letter and then even as I began to write the letter to Co-Dependency, it would speak to me: "You're not writing this letter good enough." "You are not a good writer." "Crumple this paper up. It's not good." Whenever I hear Co-Dependency speak now, I just say no! and do it. These are my three new tools for facing...

For those of you who don't know, I go to Counseling through LDS family services down in Silver Spring, MD, every other week. This past week I went and was thoroughly uplifted and strengthened. I would like to share with you what I learned. Counseling Session #8 Defining Boundaries in Relationships 1. Know what you want (this has always been hard for me to do, even though it's the first step!) 2. Set your boundaries. 3. State your boundaries again. 4. Reassess if needed. Example: 1. I would like Josh to do the dishes once a week. 2. I tell Josh (sound good, Josh?) 3. If Josh forgets that Sunday is his day to do dishes, I say "Hey, did you remember that today is your day to do the dishes? Or something loving like that. This is the step I most hate and thus lots of my boundaries get forgotten and lost. 4. Reassess. If it is not working out, or not what I like, we can change the day to Saturday or to twice a month. Whatever. As long as I feel that my boundaries are not being c...

Have you ever had one of those days when you have no idea what to write? This is one of those days. So, I will talk about my last counseling session (1/29/08). My counselor looked over the list of roles that I had written and was impressed. I had forgotten that I also needed to write what boundaries go with each role. For leader, I wrote that I will lead, but also not do everything for someone else. For teacher, I wrote that I will teach my children, but let them also learn a little on their own. For wife I wrote that we will do things together, but I will also find time to do things by myself. She mentioned that two of her friends are getting a divorce for that reason- their husbands would not let them be themselves. That's so sad. Then, we made a list of the chalkboard of what the "new Megan" without co-dependency will look like in this year to come. Some of the things we listed were dead-on as to who I want to be: someone who knows what they want and goes after it. Som...

For those of you who aren't familiar with Shannon Hale, let me familiarize you for a second. Shannon Hale is an LDS author. She lives in Salt Lake with her husband and two children and this was where I first read her first book, Goose Girl. I loved it and proceeded to read Edna Burning, which gave me nightmares, so I gave up on her for a while. A couple of weeks ago I was perusing the Juvenile section of our local library, while my children quietly read books. I was going to write "while my children were running wild" but they weren't. They were all- even Asher- reading books at one table. It was amazing. It was like a gift from Heavenly Father, because it gave me a chance to find this book on the shelf- Princess Academy- from the New York Times Bestseller List I might add- and then read it and feel that it was written for me. Here's a passage I came across today that describes how I am feeling pertaining to my progress with co-dependency, differentiation, low se...

I was going through some of my old journals and came across a section entitled "Deep Thought". Remember those from Saturday night live way back when? Anyways, one of my favorites is: "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?" I know that's kind of morbid, but it makes me laugh, and laughter is a good medicine! In other news, I went to therapy again yesterday. It was a more anxious session, as my family has been experiencing more stress as I change and grow better. On Saturday I went to the temple with the express mission to find out who I am. I had a wonderful experience and then was admonished to go and serve other people. That's what we are here to do- serve others. I told my therapist and she said that I was right. There is too much focus on "finding oneself". You can find yourself and serve others at the same ti...

A friend did a blog entitled "Happy" where she posted all the pictures in the month that made her happy. Last month I took 150 pictures. That's right! 150! I never do that. I did it in anticipation of posting a picture a day on my blog. As it turns out, my blogger service has a hard time connecting with my picture storage on my computer. Actually, my computer is kind of sick. I may be calling in some Computer Dr. to help! I have to go- Ethan's crying- I'll be back. In blog news, I have accepted the blogging design help of one of my on-line friends (www.thesparrowsnest.typepad.com)- so if you like what she will do with my blog and want it done to yours, she will be helping others more after Christmas! I am excited for a new face for Pink Panda. Also, I love my blog. It is my forum of expressing who I am, how I feel, etc. Unfortunately, others in my life are concerned about the impact it may have on our family, especially posts inclu...

I wanted to post a picture of the kids, but blogger is experiencing problems. I tried to do it yesterday and it was experiencing problems also! Thus, a post with no pictures. This weekend I am taking a weekend away! Ok. It's only for one night, but it's starting Saturday at 3 pm, when I can check into a local hotel and ending Sunday at 11 am, when I can check out of the hotel. I am very excited. I've needed a break (ie. a solid night's sleep) for a while now! The boys are used to waking up at night and me putting their blankets on. Through my therapy, I've learned that I struggle with setting bottom lines- that's where in relationships you say- I'm okay with this, but I'm not okay with that. Thus, I haven't been able to say "I'm not okay waking up in the middle of the night for the past three months." or with Asher "I'm not okay with you sitting on the sink and eating my chapstick." Last night I told the boys that...

Yesterday I read the whole book "If the Gospel is True, then why do I hurt so much?" I read a few chapters early in the morning Thursday morning when JOnah woke up and had a nightmare. Then, I read most of it while I was waiting for the boys to take a nap and finished it in the evening. It made me think a lot about the issues I am dealing with right now. Needless to say, I have a very scary dream last night. I woke up Josh and we talked about my fears and concerns. He was also able to open up and talk about his fears and concerns. I've decided that this therapy thing is really not going to be a quick fix. I am going to have to feel a lot of anger and pain and forgiveness before I move on, but when I go through that I will be better for it and I'm excited about that. I'm ready to change! This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.