Happiness

    We can follow His will Over a year ago I miscarried. For the second time in eighteen months. I thought I was over it. But I don't think I am. When that dark door slammed on my hopes, I was devastated. Again. The first one caught me completely off guard. The second one I was more prepared for. I realized that if this could happen to me, it could happen again and it could happen to anyone. I knew that when one announces their pregnancy, that it could be over in the drop of a hat and I tried to prepare myself. When a friend or loved one announced their pregnancy, I was cynical, knowing something could happen. When they gave birth to a healthy, happy baby, I sighed a big sigh of relief. They were okay. Their baby was okay. The heavy door slamming I had faced had not happened to them. It had been one of the worst experiences I had ever had. I didn't know what to do. I was empty and alone. I felt like I was nothing. Useless. Things got better and peace returned. We look...

I ordered 2 of these charms for my miscarriages to go on a chain. I feel like writing a post on miscarriage. It seems like such a taboo topic, yet 1 in almost 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Now that it's been 2 months since my last miscarriage (my 2nd one), I feel like I can write about it at a safe distance. I still feel upset that it happened, I still feel a little hurt, but I know that while the memory of it will always be there, the pain won't be as bad. Maybe people have a hard time talking about it because it is such a disappointing thing. You become attached to that baby the moment you see those 2 little lines on the pregnancy test (or the word pregnant ). There is someone growing inside of you and all you can think about is how to protect and nurture that little one. When you find out something has happened to him/her- something that you couldn't control and that baby is gone, you feel devastated. You realize that you really don't have control over everythin...

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder almost 3 years ago, I didn't know what to do or what to expect. What would my future be like? Would I be able to realize all of my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations? Now, almost 3 years later, here I am. I am healthy and I am happy. It has been tough. Really tough. But if I could go back and change things I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it for the world. Hilary Weeks has come out with a new song- Beautiful Heartbreak . It has touched my heart and I hope it will touch yours as well. We all have a sign we could wear. You never know what someone is struggling with. How am I doing- you ask? I am doing okay. Mostly, I am grateful for the Tender Mercies that Heavenly Father sends. A sweet woman at Church today, coming up and giving me a squeeze and chatting about losing a baby for a while. Finding the Perfect Dog and bringing her home (more on that later!) after putting an ad on Craigslist 3 weeks ago. Seeing the sun burst from the clouds on ...

The second round of medicine they gave me did nothing, so they had to schedule a D and C. I had one with my last miscarriage as well. We went in on Friday morning for a consult and since the Dr. I was seeing could only do it on Wednesday and we wanted to get it done sooner, we waited to see another Dr. who could do it earlier. The Dr. was very sweet and we scheduled it for Saturday at 10 am. My Mom and Dad were able to watch the kids for us, so that helped a lot. Friday, I was actually feeling fine instead of sick which the medicine made me, so my Mom and I ran around shopping and going to a very fun Holiday Boutique. We also hit Target and Joanns, ate a yummy homemade pizza dinner and then Josh and I went to a session at the Temple for Stake Temple Days. It was a very fun, busy day- to make up for the days I had spent waiting around to miscarry. 8 am found us at the hospital. I had not eaten or drank anything and by the time 9:30 am came around you had a still pregnant woman, sitting ...

At the Doctors. Hoping. Praying. Expectant. Due in June. A June bug baby. On the screen. At the monitor. An empty sac. The empty sac Was just like My Heart. Empty. A miscarriage. Again. I stood and turned And left, Walking past the Swollen bellies In the waiting room. Swollen with waiting Waiting for something I wouldn't have. At least not right now. Tears slipped down my cheeks, My heart was swollen with grief Yet my womb was empty. Again. This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.

I took a few head shots of Josh for his profile pic on linkedin. They turned out pretty good! If your not friends with Josh on linkedin, look him up! :) Well, I took the prescribed medicine on Monday. Lots of cramping but nothing. Tuesday morning, I called the Dr. and they said it could take a day or two. If it was going to take that long, I needed extra support. I called my Mom and asked her to come. She and my Dad arranged things, which was quite a sacrifice for them and arrive around 9:30 pm last night. What life savers! My Mom is cooking dinner as we speak. Tuesday brought nothing but more cramps, so I called the Dr. this morning just to see how long the light of the tunnel would be. They told me to come in. I went and they said the drug only works 80% of the time. I am the lucky 20%. Hmm. They sent me home with another prescription. To try again. So far nothing. Just major period-like cramps. My labor was 52 hrs with Elizabeth and while this isn't a labor, it looks like my b...

Another pic from our House in Maryland Sometimes in life, things don't go as planned. You try your best and life lets you down. Last week I went for my second visit with my OBGYN. I was planning to see a beautiful little 7 week old embryo, moving around a little with a teeny, tiny heart going thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. All we saw was an empty sac. It took a few moments for it to set in. Anytime now they would find a heartbeat, I thought. But they didn't. The sac was measuring too small. They told me to come back in a week- today. To do another ultrasound. To check and be sure. I knew that I hadn't got my dates wrong. It was a miscarriage. I have been through this before but it doesn't make it any better. Dang it. CRAP. And maybe another word as well. I don't get mad very often. But when I had spent the last 3 weeks hoping and dreaming. And then it ends, just like that? Luckily we hadn't told the kids or many people. We went back to the Dr. yesterday, after a week ...

I just got back from the Dr. To fully understand what is going on, let me start a week ago... It was 11 am. I was 8 weeks pregnant and this was my first Dr. visit. They did an ultrasound to check the heartbeat, the due date and if there are any multiples. The ultrasound tech turned to me and said "I don't see a heartbeat." My world stopped. What do you mean you don't see a heartbeat? There's a baby in there, right? What do you mean? It's as if she was speaking another language. Those words. "I don't see a heartbeat." brought no joy. No excitement. Nothing. Only sadness and fear and confusion. Why is this happening? What is going on? Why? They recommended a D and C. Soon. Unless I want a second opinion. I did. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet. I spent two hours at the hospital and they said it was too early to tell- I was measuring 5 wks 6 days and they are shocked that a D and C was recommended. I waited a week. That week was really lo...

I just got back from the Dr. To fully understand what is going on, let me start a week ago... It was 11 am. I was 8 weeks pregnant and this was my first Dr. visit. They did an ultrasound to check the heartbeat, the due date and if there are any multiples. The ultrasound tech turned to me and said "I don't see a heartbeat." My world stopped. What do you mean you don't see a heartbeat? There's a baby in there, right? What do you mean? It's as if she was speaking another language. Those words. "I don't see a heartbeat." brought no joy. No excitement. Nothing. Only sadness and fear and confusion. Why is this happening? What is going on? Why? They recommended a D and C. Soon. Unless I want a second opinion. I did. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet. I spent two hours at the hospital and they said it was too early to tell- I was measuring 5 wks 6 days and they are shocked that a D and C was recommended. I waited a week. That week was really lo...