January 20, 2012

About Miscarriage

I ordered 2 of these charms for my miscarriages to go on a chain.

I feel like writing a post on miscarriage. It seems like such a taboo topic, yet 1 in almost 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Now that it's been 2 months since my last miscarriage (my 2nd one), I feel like I can write about it at a safe distance. I still feel upset that it happened, I still feel a little hurt, but I know that while the memory of it will always be there, the pain won't be as bad.

Maybe people have a hard time talking about it because it is such a disappointing thing. You become attached to that baby the moment you see those 2 little lines on the pregnancy test (or the word pregnant). There is someone growing inside of you and all you can think about is how to protect and nurture that little one. When you find out something has happened to him/her- something that you couldn't control and that baby is gone, you feel devastated. You realize that you really don't have control over everything in your life, and that there is a greater force in this world.

From the things I have read, and from my own personal experience, here are the things to not say when someone has experienced a miscarriage:

"It's okay- you have 4 beautiful children." That discredits the loss. They were loving the child they lost.

"Don't worry- the child is in a better place." This disqualifies the loss, like it doesn't matter.

"Good thing you were not that far along." It doesn't matter how far along they were- the loss is still there.

"Well, try again next time!" Again, disqualifying the loss.

Good things to say after someone has had a miscarriage:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Can I watch your children for you while you rest?"

"When can I bring a hot meal over to you?" (both times someone brought us a meal and more than sustenance, it made us feel so loved!)

It is my hope and prayer that the world will be more sensitive to those who have lost their babies early on. We still hope to grow our family one day and when it happens, it will be even more sweet as I will know just how hard it is to lose a little one.

This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.


Amber said...

I'm so sorry Megan and thank you for sharing about something so difficult. I think those are great reminders of things to say,sometimes when people are try to be helpful and comfort you they end up putting their foot in their mouth. A simple 'I'm so sorry' is normally the best way to go.

Ryan and Heather Bartron said...

Thank you for sharing this. I decided that one of the reasons that miscarriage is difficult is that, while it is a death, there is no funeral, no way to commemorate the person who was lost. It is such a personal and private loss and yet still just as valid.