Happiness

In Church, we have been studying The Book of Mormon and Nephi's (a Prophet in the Americas) vision of the Tree of Life. Ok, it was Lehi's vision too. In it they eat the most wonderful tasting, beautiful fruit they have ever tasted before. They learn that it represents the Love of God.  I had an Epiphany last night! I realized that I don't have to be perfect to partake of the fruit and of God's love for me. I've always struggled with trying to be perfect, comparing my flaws with other people's strengths.  That can lead to Anxiety and Depression. No longer! I can imagine myself at the foot of the most beautiful, glowing, bright tree and taking a big bite of the fruit- like a pear- the juice running down my chin and onto my arms and off of my elbows- my tears mingling sweetly with the juices. I am so grateful for The Book of Mormon, for what it teaches me in my life at this time and for Lehi's and Nephi's Vision of the Tree of Life. I am t...

The heavy rain clouds rolled in and with it came my Depression. I was doing really well last week- eating well, exercising and feeling pretty good! But, I've noticed with highly dramatic climate changes, my mood goes south quickly. Depression is strange to talk about. People start getting worried- wondering if you are okay.  I am okay.  I am.  I just have a deep maroon, dark cloud hanging over me. Or hanging over my heart. I don't feel very much of joy, laughter, light or love. I buy my very favorite cinnamon bread- nothing. Ok, maybe a glimmer of a smile. I take a nap. It helps some, but twenty minutes later, I am dragging- all energy sucked out from under me. I look at a 94 year old man that I know who always takes the stairs. Today I can barely keep up with my four year old. We race along the wet sidewalk, trying not to step on the tiny snails that have come out to get a cool Fall drink. I stop and walk. He runs ahead laughing and commenting on ...

Declan's First Bike Ride! He was SO excited!! He wanted to be like his big brothers. After my most recent blog post I have continued to struggle with some depressive feelings but just these last few days, with more exercise than normal and adding some Salmon and Spinach to my diet, I’ve felt a little better. Yay! This Fall my boys have had cross country meets every weekend. It’s amazing to watch them race and improve every time. The Desert Twilight invitational in Casa Grande is tonight and we’re driving down and I’m excited to watch them run! Happy Weekend! What are you doing this weekend?

This morning I was trying to kill time between Preschool drop off and my Zumba class. I stopped into At Home- a home decorating store- and was overwhelmed at the amount of stuff in that store. It was amazing! I only had twenty minutes so I went straight to the framed artwork- my favorite.  As I was perusing colorful cows (love them!) and cute sayings ("I may be tiny, but I am fierce!"), I started feeling that same strange/kinda dark/sorta overwhelming feeling that I get in big box stores. The florescent lighting, the large space and often the large amounts of people there, tend to suck up my energy.  In the midst of my doom and gloom feeling, I saw a sign that said "Stay Alive". That's nice! I thought. I need that. I need a sign that reminds me to just stay alive. Keep Breathing. Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. On further inspection the art print actually read "Stay Awhile." Ok.  Not the same. But that's okay. It...

**Disclaimer- I am really okay but felt like writing a post on this. I'm not sure how to describe depression. It feels as though there is no hope. That things have always been tough and that they always will be. Small chores seem overwhelmingly difficult. Irrational thoughts like no really likes me, or I am not a very good Parent try to take over any rational thoughts. Decisions that you made when you were not depressed are things that you don't want to do anymore. It's not that you don't want them anymore, it just seems  as though it isn't possible to get it done.  Things you used to enjoy are difficult to enjoy. Things that help depression: -Doing those things you enjoy even though you don't feel like doing them. -Prayer. Lots of it. -Reading past journals and remembering how Heavenly Father helped you in the past and will help you again. -Physical exercise, eating healthy, getting out and doing things (even if you don't feel like it), being social. -Couns...

I  still battle depression. Amidst the daily headache, which is very mild and has only been a constant in my life and not a needle prick in my side. Amidst the daily routines of Mothering and living. It hits me hardest from from 2-5 pm. And in the morning when I awake. It's dark and cold. A not wanting to be here. A lack of light and luster, of hope and encouragement. Some days I have no depression at all. The day ends and I look back at the day and say the "black dog" (as Winston Churchill called it) didn't visit me today and I am grateful. Oh, so grateful. This morning I went to a Kundalini Yoga Class in Salt Lake and sometimes that dregs up feelings you have to work with. All I want to say is that anxiety and depression are something that's out there. It may hit you or someone you love. If that ever happens, there is help available. Professional help and I am here. I can help. Just so you know.

   Depression. It doesn't care if it's 110 degrees outside. It doesn't care if it's summertime or if school's out and the schedule is lax. And it hates when you go on vacation. It flees for a short time but returns with a vengeance.   Depression. It's been my friend for 5 years. And it looks like this it's a long term relationship. Which stinks. There are worse things that I could deal with. Depression is not the worse thing out there. But it feels pretty close to it sometimes. In 110  degree weather.

As a soon to be Foster Parent, but not as much as a current Parent, I am somewhat hesitant to blog about the depression I feel sometimes. And as I have to put some bacon in the oven and grill (Ge orge Foreman style) some chicken for our Super Chicken Sala ds for dinner , I wi ll try to write quickly. As most of you know, I have Bipolar Disorder. It was di agnosed 4+ years ago and since then I have been doing super well. I am pretty normal. I am stable. I take my 1 med . regularly and rejoice that I don't have to deal with many R xs, side effects or high costs. I have a wonderful support group of Josh, my immediate family and friends I can chat with. For the past year or so, I have gotten depressed for 2 hours a day- from 3-5 pm - a lmost every day. I can feel it coming on- a sense of foreboding - and it permeates my afternoon.  I am able to do the normal, same things- help the kids with their homework, unload the dishwasher, read, blog. But, the re is a de pressi on u...

This blog has always been a place where I have felt that I can go to, to express my feelings, to talk about things that are important with me, to share what is going on in my life and in the life of my family. As I share this post, please read with an open and kind heart. Yesterday I found out that one of my friends who I was in the out-patient program of the Hospital last year committed suicide this summer. Background: when you are in a program at the Hospital you get to know a lot about everyone there and become really close to them.It's almost like AA. You are struggling, they are struggling and you work together to work this thing out. When one succeeds, their success is your success as well. When one falters, you pick them up again and move on together. It is hard time in your life- going through Depression or Mania and to be at the point where nothing can help you except the help of medical professionals at the Hospital. During my 3 weeks as an out-patient on the Mental Healt...

I know I promised another installment of our love story, but I'll get to that later. I just wanted to write about how my session with Joe went today. It went really well. It's funny because most of the time he talks and I listen. He tells me about his other patients and asks me what to do about them. I guess I've been going to Counseling so long and since I am a good listener, he uses me for advice. Also, he says I'm normal 95-98% of the time and the few times I need him, I call but he's never there. We talked about blogging. He said that it would be neat if there was a blog, where all the people who felt like they weren't living up to their potential could go and cheer and support one another- like a big online therapy session or something. I think, in a way, we already do that. You know how popular blogs are with Mormon women- especially Mormon Moms. I mean, there is even a blog out there that makes fun of the whole craze (www.seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com)....

I went to see my Psychiatrist, Dr. Joshi, in Baltimore, Mayland today. I mentioned to him that I wanted to stop taking my medication (for personal reasons! You can e-mail me and ask me if you want to!). He replied that that was NOT a good idea. He said that my brain does not make enough seratonin. Lexapro does not give me seratonin, but helps my brain produce it. He said I should be on it for six months (I've been on it for three, so three more to go) and then we can start reducing it then. If I start having a hard time, then I will go back on it for next winter and try to go off of it next summer. Some people have to stay on it all their lives, but I don't feel that I will be one of these people. I want to still have more babies, and you cannot get pregnant on this medication. This seems to be a longer recovery than I originally planned, but I am giving myself until Dec. 2010 to work on this Depression and make more decisions from that point on. Thank you to all who have praye...

This was us five years ago. Crazy, huh? I wanted to write a post, but I don't know what to write. This morning I was at Giant- the local grocery store here in Maryland- and ran into a Mom from the boys Preschool. I was buying items for my birthday dinner- this Friday- Hawaiian Haystacks- mm! I was buying cough drops for Elizabeth and she was buying soup for her 9 year old sick Elizabeth and we starting talking. Somehow I mentioned that I am on Lexapro and she said that she is on it too! Seems like the whole world is on an anti-depressant! Of course, you know how it is. You buy a new car- like a Nissan Altima- and you start noticing all the Nissan Altimas. Wow, you think! Everyone must have a Nissan Altima! Not really, but you are starting to notice new things that you never noticed before! Goodbye depressed Megan. Hello old Megan! Yay! I'm glad to be normal again- or at least somewhat normal. This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.