I just got back from the Dr. To fully understand what is going on, let me start a week ago...
It was 11 am. I was 8 weeks pregnant and this was my first Dr. visit. They did an ultrasound to check the heartbeat, the due date and if there are any multiples. The ultrasound tech turned to me and said "I don't see a heartbeat." My world stopped.
What do you mean you don't see a heartbeat? There's a baby in there, right? What do you mean? It's as if she was speaking another language.
Those words. "I don't see a heartbeat." brought no joy. No excitement. Nothing. Only sadness and fear and confusion. Why is this happening? What is going on? Why?
They recommended a D and C. Soon. Unless I want a second opinion. I did. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet. I spent two hours at the hospital and they said it was too early to tell- I was measuring 5 wks 6 days and they are shocked that a D and C was recommended.
I waited a week. That week was really long. My counselor, Joe, congratulated me on the pregnancy. What could I say? Um, I may not be pregnant. Elizabeth told her teacher that same day. I had told her it was okay to tell people.
I went in for another ultrasound. Josh came with me this time. No heartbeat. My hcg levels had continued to rise but the baby was still 5 wks 6 days.
I have 3 options: wait for it to pass naturally, take a pill to cause it to pass or a D and C. I still haven't decided, but have to decide soon.
I have had lots of feelings and emotions: why me? how will Elizabeth feel when we tell her about the miscarriage? Will everything be okay? and yes, sadness. For the loss of our hopes and dreams and plans and ideas.
I know that there are others who are worse off than me. The Mother of a 14 month old, expecting triplets and her husband is killed in the line of duty as a police officer. The Mother who lost her baby at 18 weeks, for the second time.
And mostly, I know that we have a very loving Heavenly Father and Savior who know exactly how we feel and are able to comfort us exactly how we need to be comforted, if we turn to Them. All is well.
This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.
p.s. I guess I will be giving away the cute onesie I bought that says "Born in 2010"
Comments