Infertility

This post was written around 6 months before I became pregnant with Declan.

I wish that Infertility wasn't such a taboo topic. That people could talk about it easily, and carelessly, free of judgement or pain. But, since the decision to have children/more children is such a personal thing and it is so connected with such an important part of life and such sensitive feelings it's not talked abou:t discussed/enough.

I wish that there were lessons in Relief Society on Infertility. What to say when you don't know what to say. What to never say (So, when are you going to have kids? or When are you going to have more kids?).

I wish there was some innate, intuitive feeling that people would have so they would be able to reach out in love and support, instead of judgement or worry.

I wish Drs. would never, ever say: "You have (blank) amount of kids. You don't need any more." **Note- don't expect that patient to come back!

I wish that I could state on facebook: "I have infertility issues." Just because I want to be honest.

I wish my home wasn't so quiet- the 4 walls staring at me, silent and barren.

I wish I didn't still have to grieve for my losses and the emptiness that surrounds me.

(i may be calling a few sisters-in-law for advice.)

I try to fill the void with new and different things: law school maybe? subbing jobs. shopping trips.

but when all is said and done. My home is still quiet. The walls are still empty.

And I am left alone.