Disclaimer*** I wrote this post with a lot of strong emotion. Maybe it should be a journal type entry, maybe not. All I know is that when I write, I feel better and sometimes the only place I'm motivated to write is here. Thank you for being so patient and loving.I visited a new Dr. (read Psych.) last week. I made Josh tag along with me. Somehow when the Dr. sees that I have such great support at home, they are more helpful and kind. Usually. This day we were running slightly late and then a missed exit made us even later. This put this particular Dr. in an unhappy mood. I'm glad he saw me though- I had been waiting TWO months to see him!
He agreed with the other Dr. (along with several Drs. actually) that getting pregnant on lithium was not the best option for all involved. I calmly answered the rest of his questions for a good 20 minutes, got my prescription refilled and cried my way into the bathroom.
My hands are getting shaky even now as I type this. I(irrationally) felt like he was vetoing my power to bear children and even ultimately (again irrationally), saying that I am not a good Mother. I was felt that if I couldn't bear children I wasn't the person I always viewed myself as being- a child bearing woman and Mother. It was though I had lost who I was- a Mother, despite my four at home. A Mother in my eyes at that moment was someone who was capable of bearing children. I had tried so many different options and even a new medicine (lamictal) that was safer for pregnancy and it's side effects ended up being terrible! I felt like I was at the end of the line.
I have yet to hear a Dr. say "You have 4 children. You have this condition (Bipolar). You want more children. Let's work with you on this." They aren't willing to get know me for awhile, to see who I am for me and then work with me. Actually, this Dr. said if I ever want to get pregnant while taking lithium he couldn't work with me as we don't agree. If someone with Bipolar said the same thing I say to Drs. to me, I would say "That's crazy!" But, I am not just a stranger, a person with a name or diagnosis, I am Megan. I am a Mother and if I have to go through any and all kinds of paperwork, classes, Bureaucracy, unorganized systems, and hard times, I will do so. It's complicated. I know I don't need to have more children, but it's what's in my heart. I am a Mother and I have been born to Mother.
This is my blog. My name is Megan Abbott.
ps- Because of my recent struggles I have been ultra sensitive to newborn baby pics and news that are on facebook. I've deleted my account for the time being, until I don't feel so sensitive about things. But, I'm sure I'll be back! :)
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